Tonight I am going to bury this box in the ground. I have been around the corners that life could throw me at. I have seen every face change colors like the wind. I have learned and un-learned every rooted belief I was born with.
Entangled in every lie told and every shot taken at
I know what it is to be rejected and I even know it feels to be adored. I have even seen that adoration vanishes in thin air right before my face. Sadly, yet I have not seen it all. Because I am still alive. I know what to say and I even know what not to say, but, I seek on the answer ‘why’.
The process of learning and un-learning has made me witness the world around me fall down to pieces until; I put the bricks back where it belonged. Why? Maybe because, I am still alive.
I have seen love be made out of nothing at all, and I know even how love seeks reasons. I know when to face the truth and I still know why dreams are important to be dreamt up. I know the price I paid and I know what I lost, and on the way gained a little, on which I am alive.
I have screamed nights together to the wind and have been left unspoken for days at a time. Walls have ears and my God, do they hear every beat of my heart burst out of my chest. I can make every promise that can be made and I know why they can even be broken.
I have seen love walk right out of the door and another sneak in through the window. Because, all those times that I ran out of reasons to breathe, I knew exactly where to find the answers. I have skeletons safely put away in my closet and I even know the reasons why I put them away.
I have seen my graceless heart be tampered and ruined and I lived to feel the pain go numb. Hence, why it’s nothing but an amateur ride which I presently, call my life.
I have made all the demons be gone and called them at my service when I needed them again. I have been wretched and looted, and I am still alive because, my heart beats for the preciousness I have hidden somewhere deep inside me. I have seen nights turn into days, and time pass by, and I find patience because, the largest minority starts with ‘Me’.
I have given it all; I have even locked myself up away from the reach of happiness. I know how it feels to be afraid of happiness, but I also am finding a reason every day why I should be happy. Oh! I have rejoiced in exhilaration and know how softly the voice of silence speaks.
I know what it is to belong to someone and I even know how it feels to put the cold food away at night. I have been the reason behind why my parents smile and also the reason behind why they are not.
I witnessed disappointment, for it taught me yet again, ‘why’. It’s not a question, but a testimony of life that comes only with time.
I know how the bruises burn and wounds sting, and I have even battled with the smile that makes a child want to hold your hand. I know how it feels to hold the fingers of a new born and have even seen a monster in the making.
But, not a moment that goes by, do I not wonder
But those are all the things I know, which are almost nothing except the fact that, I am alive. I know how to cry and I know just how to lie to myself, for I even know just when to breathe.
I know when I should pull him closer, and I know why I shouldn’t at times. So, yes, I know how to break and tell myself to fix myself up again. Because, either I do everything to die and anything to live. And, I respectfully chose the latter. Not because I am a survivor, I barely make it anyway, but because, I have to brush my teeth either way if I wake up.
And, I wake up every day knowing my heart will never be the same, but the ‘preciousness’ keeps me busy getting stronger.
So, I am telling myself, even on my weakest days that I am alive and I am not as brave to pull the trigger. I am happy because, my heart will never be the same; it is just different. I am getting myself used to my cards as they are dealt and worked upon. I am breathing because, I know it all yet nothing makes sense, and curiosity kills the cat.
Therefore, why I yet continue.